The Best ‘Bachelorette’ Recap Youll Ever Read: The Men Tell All & Thank God There’s Alcohol

This week on instead of finishing up with the fantasy suites or really giving us any sort of resolution from last weeks boring AF meet the parents episode, ABC chose to waste two hours of my life with the Men Tell All. Because we dont get enough mansplaining in our everyday lives. Luckily for them, I can’t resist watching a group of grown-ass men wearing pastel pocket squares act like 14-year-old girls fighting over a lunch table.

The first 10 minutes consists of Chris Harrison revisiting his glory days the best / moments from the Men Tell All episodes. Like, no need to try and convince me to watch this garbage. Im already here. The alcohol has been bought.

We end this sad walk down memory lane with an ultrasound of JP and Ashleys publicity stunt to stay relevant baby. I guess ABC thought it wasnt enough that 60 percent of my Facebook newsfeed is selfies of my friends and every drunk girl Ive ever befriended in the bathrooms uteruses (your fetus looks like an alien btw), but now they must punish me further by watching Bachelor spawn float around in amniotic fluids? *pours drink*

Chris Harrison: Most seasons the mansion turns into one giant frat house, but this season we had to get production in there to fuck shit up was different.

Me:

Theyre introducing the men and Im realizing that the Blue Moon Im aggressively chugging has more testosterone in it than Rachels entire cast of suitors. If I see one more matching pocket square I will lose my goddamn mind. Also, I have never seen half of these people before in my damn life. I would bet my roommates the six pack sitting in my fridge rn that half these dudes are just random Instagram trash they found on the streets of LA. Youre not fooling anyone, ABC.

Lol I totally forgot about this completely scripted fight between Waboom and Blake. And then someone who made it to the final 5 opens his mouth to defend Blake. Who are you again?

Oh good, DeMarios back. ABC must know I cant sleep soundly until a fuckboy has whispered lies to me.

The entire cast jumps down DeMarios throat over this whole Lexi thing, and yet, no one says shit about the whole scandal. I smell a cover-up.

Chris Harrison: Were you dating Lexi?

DeMario: Do you know the definition of Side Chick?

Chris Harrison: .

DeMario: I didnt even take a picture with her! Is there any actual proof that we dated??

Me: *tries to set DeMario on fire with eyes* *goes back to aggressively drinking alcohol*

Lol love that DaMario just compared himself and Lexi to a President of the United States and his mistress. Such a classic fuckboy move to defend your shady behavior by comparing yourself to other, more famous fuckboys.

DeMario: The way I see it, Im like Bill Clinton

Me: 

And now that weve sufficiently turned an entire studio audience and half of America against DeMario, lets move on to the racist. Chris Harrison is so good at moving the conversation forward.

Dean trying to call Lee racist without using the R word or acknowledging that he low-key endorsed a racist comment on Instagram yesterday. At least youre pretty.

Watching Kennys montage and all I can think is, seriously how fucking old is your child? Like, shes so cute but old enough to rent a car. Forget this Kenny/Lee drama, Chris Harrison, Id like to see this birth certificate!

Chris: What did you think about your dad going on the show?

McKenzie: Idk Im just trying to get a car for my birthday.

Lol McKenzie shading Kenny for getting 10th in the competition is me as a child.

Now, that the 25-year-old paid actress Kennys kid has exited the stage I guess its time to bring out our president a racist asshole who cannot control himself on Twitter.

Lee: I just make jokes when Im uncomfortable and at the wrong times.

Me & the viewers back home:

And OH SHIT. Chris Harrison brings out every racist, homophobic, anti-feminist tweet Lee has ever tweeted in his life. You have no chill, Chris. NO chill.

Lee looks terrified, like the audience and half the cast might shank him at any moment. Im giddy from the drama.

Chris Harrison: *points to damning tweets*

Lee: I notice theres some things that I need to work on like my racism

DeMario is losing his shit over these tweets, meanwhile Will is looking at Lee like a disappointed dad. 

^^Will watching Lee lose his damn mind on Twitter

THANK GOD, its Deans turn. I love when I get to spend quality time with my boyfriend a reality TV star Ive never met before. The camera focuses on Dean and he talks about how he was dumped on national television after ABC used him for his family drama hometowns and then pans to a 14-year-old girl sobbing because they want you to remember that Dean is only 25. Subtle, ABC.

Watching Deans montage and all I can think is get you a man who will wear a camo blazer to a nationally televised event.

They bring Rachel out and once again my eyes are assaulted by her outfit choices. Rachel, WHY do you test me like this? Ive already sat through 90 minutes of Waboom trying to stay relevant and the professional tickler sitting on a hand-shaped chair. Dont do this to me.

It looks like that dress was part of someones audition collection. But, like, the one Heidi and Nina talked shit about off-screen. At least her hair is on point though. Small victories.

Seriously, if anyone knows the name of her stylist please leave their name, number, and ALL of their social media handles in the comments section so I can properly reach out and have a conversation with them drag them on social media for what theyve done to her.

The men are allowed to have one final conversation with Rachel before she is not contractually obligated to deal with their shit anymore. Fred cries. Kenny hits on her. Alex says nothing but his blazer says everything. Things like, 

^^Alex last night looking like hell steal your girl Bachelorette bracket victory

And thats it for this episode! Thank god I spent two hours of my life watching Iggy try and interject into everyone’s drama every fucking second he could for more screen time. At least there was alcohol. I cant wait to see next weeks shit show episode!

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