Thanksgiving is almost here, and with it the prospect of having to chat with distant family about the elephant in the room. It’s the worst part of an otherwise great day. Unfortunately, you can’t control what people talk about, and no advice can save you. Sometimes the best you can do is pray it turns out like this…
You: Wow, these mashed potatoes are great.
Aunt Cindy: You wanna know what I hate about Donald Trump— [*a truck backfires super loudly outside*] …What were we talking about again?
You: Definitely mashed potatoes.
You: Looks like it’s going to be another cold winter this year.
Uncle Todd: Ugh, that’s the last thing I need after Donald Trump…
Aunt Cindy: FIRE!
You: Oh my God, is the house on fire?
Aunt Cindy: No, I’m just thrilled your sister pledged Phi Ur — the Greek-Babylonian sorority. I’m an alum!
You: That’s weird!
You: Think the Cowboys will win this year?
Uncle Joe: Only thing I know is, none of those players better take a knee. You know, what I really respect about Donald Trump is—
[*a large boom sounds from the kitchen*]
You: Phew! The turkey exploded!
Brother-in-law: I’d like to talk about Donald Trump.
Brother-in-law: Not that Donald Trump. Donald Trump, my old coworker from Xerox.
You: Oh. Yeah. How are Donald and Susan?
5. The fallback
Mom: Honey, can you explain why Donald Trump…
You: [*suddenly go deaf forever*]
6. What’s that over there?
You: Hey, Dan, how’ve you been!
Dan: Pretty good. Just got a new gig teaching World History up in Mount Pleasant. Did I tell you Lisa and I are pregnant?
You: No! That’s so great. Congrats!
Dan: Thanks, man.
You: You know, it’s really great to see you. I’m glad we’re cousins.
Dan: Yeah, same!
You: I’m just glad we’re not talking about Donald Trump.
Dan: Oh my God, don’t get me started on— [*a motorcycle gang conducts a demolition derby on the front lawn*]
7. Bless dear grandpa
Grandpa: Did you know Donald Trump doesn’t exist?
You: For real?
Grandpa: Yeah, I just heard that.
8. End of the world
You: Can you pass the salad dressing?
You: The salad dressing?
Dad: I’m sorry, I was just thinking about how ridiculous it is that Donald Trump— [*armageddon happens; your grandma is raptured; a pit opens up in the Earth swallowing all of your cousins and the cornbread and the gluten-free stuffing (but not the regular stuffing); you are the only one left behind*]
You: Oddly, this is OK.
9. Here for the food
You: Can we not talk about Donald Trump this year?
Everyone: Oh my God, yes.
You: PASS THE DAMN GRAVY!